


you set my world on fire

by paranoirs (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: :’), Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Genderfluid Kozume Kenma, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I was bored okay, Indirect Kiss, Is that a tag??, Kageyama Tobio is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Pretty Setter Squad, Self-Indulgent, The Author Regrets Everything, adding tags as I write, and i’m doing this only bc i had an idea for kageyama’s nickname, bc i wanted crack, chatfic, it's minor but it's there, just crack, references to conan gray, this is a mess but irdc, yahaba just lurks until he can blackmail someone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25026772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/paranoirs
Summary: EMOm:oikawa you're actually a wreckuranus:i'd like to get wreckeduranus:by iwa-chan ofckitkat:can you please be horny somewhere elsealternatively, a peek at the pretty setter squad gc. my attempt at humor with minimal plot and awkward tobioorphaned and discontinued!! thanks <3
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Sugawara Koushi/Sawamura Daichi, mentioned Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru - Relationship, mentioned Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi - Relationship, some others mentioned - Relationship, they’re all friends i just don’t have room for the tag lmfao - Relationship
Comments: 43
Kudos: 249
Collections: Chatfics I simp for





	1. on a scale of one to oikawa tooru, how gay are you?

**Author's Note:**

> this is just self-indulgent word vomit inspired by a crap ton of chatfics
> 
> title taken from kacey musgraves’s golden hour. it’s also a pun

**oikawa tooru** has created the chat _pretty setter squad_

 **oikawa tooru** has added **kageyama tobio, yahaba shigeru, akaashi keiji,** and **4 others** to the chat

19:07 p.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**oikawa tooru:** hello whores

 **sugawara koushi:** excuse you

 **oikawa tooru:** i said what i said

 **oikawa tooru:** bitch

 **sugawara koushi:** kageyama pack your bags we're leaving

 **kageyama tobio:** but suga-san we don't have any bags??

 **sugawara koushi:** metaphorical bags

 **oikawa tooru:** not on my watch

 **oikawa tooru:** yahaba,, Go Off

 **yahaba shigeru:** you owe me for this senpai

 **yahaba shigeru:** [Image attached.]

 **oikawa tooru:** stay or else we're sending this to karasuno

 **sugawara koushi:** i'm being held hostage

 **akaashi keiji:** omfg

 **kozume kenma:** is that suga

 **kozume kenma:** staring at daichi's thighs

 **shirabu kenjirou:** lmFAO IS HE DROOLING

 **semi eita:** looks like it

 **sugawara koushi:** where did you get this??

 **yahaba shigeru:** my camera roll

 **oikawa tooru:** *his library of photos for blackmail

 **yahaba shigeru:** same thing

 **oikawa tooru:** bitch only goes to my team karaoke parties just to take photos smh

 **oikawa tooru:** anyways now that i've roped you guys into staying

 **oikawa tooru** has changed their name to **uranus**

 **uranus:** i'd let iwa-chan destroy my anus anytime

 **shirabu kenjirou:** fucking bottom

 **uranus:** #shameless

 **semi eita:** shirabu you're a bottom

 **shirabu kenjirou:** upshut your fuck

 **sugawara koushi** has changed **kageyama tobio** 's name to **conan gray song**

 **conan gray song:** what's a conan gray

 **uranus:** only one of the best american singers!!

 **uranus:** i'm even more surprised that refreshing-kun listens to him

 **sugawara koushi** **:** #shameless

 **uranus:** no shame but like

 **uranus:** you must be mega depressed if you listen to conan gray

 **sugawara koushi:** all the better to drown my single and pining sorrows

 **uranus:** okay fat mood tbh

 **kozume kenma:** yeah i listen to him too

 **kozume kenma:** i'm assuming that the song suga is referencing is the king

 **sugawara koushi:** yep

 **uranus:** clever

 **sugawara koushi** has changed their name to **EMOm**

 **EMOm:** oikawa called me depressed so ig i must own up to my True Identity

 **kozume kenma** has changed their name to **kitkat**

 **kitkat:** ohohoho?

 **akaashi keiji:** pain-in-the-ass kuroo-san? is that you?

 **kitkat:** your words hurt me, akaashi

 **uranus:** but kuroo-chan,, why kitkat?

 **kitkat:** first of all he's like a little kitten

 **kitkat:** and secondly he's a snack

 **uranus:** you've really outdone yourself

 **uranus:** i feel like daichi's rubbing off on you jfc

 **kitkat:** but that just means i have more dad jokes in my arsenal, no?

 **kitkat:** so in a way, daichi's influence has made me a better captain

 **akaashi keiji:** he's rubbing off on bokuto-san too

 **akaashi keiji:** and now we literally cannot have a practice without him saying an owl pun

 **EMOm:** i've had to deal with dad jokes since daichi became a captain

 **uranus:** ok suga just admit that you find it endearing

 **EMOm:** stfu

 **conan gray song:** you're not denying it

 **EMOm:** betrayed by my own son

 **kitkat:** i finally got my phone back

 **kitkat:** and i'm actually going to kill kuro

 **akaashi keiji:** i think we all know you're not going to

 **kitkat:** akaashi istg

 **kitkat:** and you're a pining idiot too so you don't get to say anything

 **EMOm:** i'm guessing that everyone here is a pining idiot

 **EMOm:** so on a scale of one to oikawa tooru, how gay are you?

 **conan gray song:** i think no one can beat oikawa-san

 **kitkat:** he did admit to thirsting for iwaizumi

 **uranus:** i literally do not know how anyone could resist iwa-chan's arms

 **EMOm:** no excuses, twink

 **uranus:** i'll have you know that i am a twunk

 **kitkat:** he's a twink

 **uranus:** i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked rn

 **EMOm:** good

 **kitkat:** akaashi's in close second though

 **akaashi keiji:** kenma i will murder you

 **kitkat:** i'm just saying

 **kitkat:** i've seriously considered making a list of how many times you've called him a star

 **akaashi keiji:** do nOT expose me like this

 **uranus:** wow the tokyo setters and their antagonism

 **conan gray song:** you do talk about him a lot akaashi-san

 **EMOm:** although i do think that the shiratorizawa setters have a greater antagonism

 **semi eita:** that's because shirabu is a bitch

 **shirabu kenjirou:** suck my dick semi-san

 **uranus:** the honorific makes it that much more passive-aggressive

 **semi eita** has changed **shirabu kenjirou** 's name to **shirabitch**

 **shirabitch:** two can play that game

 **shirabitch** has changed **semi** **eita** 's name to **(se)micropenis**

 **(se)micropenis:** bigger than yours

 **shirabitch:** i hate you too

 **EMOm:** yup. much greater

* * *

2:58 a.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**uranus:** once a guy on instagram sent me a dm saying "how many planets are in the solar system"

 **uranus:** i proceeded to tell him that there were originally nine but then pluto's status as a planet was revoked

 **uranus:** so then there were eight

 **uranus:** and then he says

 **uranus:** "naw there's gonna be seven now once i destroy uranus"

 **uranus:** and i then went off on how he couldn't possibly have done that unless he was ultra instinct shaggy

 **uranus:** but then i got the pickup line. he meant uranus as in /my/ anus

 **uranus:** it was awkward so then i blocked him

 **kitkat:** oikawa it's 3am what in the actual fuck

* * *

12:17 p.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**akaashi keiji:** so is that where you got your name from

 **uranus:** yes thank you for noticing

 **EMOm:** oikawa you're actually a wreck

 **uranus:** i'd like to get wrecked

 **uranus:** by iwa-chan ofc

 **kitkat:** can you please be horny somewhere else

 **uranus:** i'll cut you a deal

 **uranus:** we can all be horny here and vent our pent-up thoughts about our love objects

 **EMOm:** did you just say

 **EMOm:** love objects

 **kitkat:** i'm not horny but okay then

 **conan gray song:** i don't have a love object

 **EMOm:** he means a crush

 **conan gray song:** yeah i don't have one of those either

 **uranus:** but the way you look at chibi-chan—

 **EMOm:** he's either a) in denial b) oblivious or c) lying

 **kitkat:** i think it's b

 **kitkat:** he's a bit socially inept, no?

 **akaashi keiji:** i think so too

 **EMOm:** ok i'm gonna try something out

 **EMOm:** kageyama

 **conan gray song:** yes suga-san?

 **EMOm:** think of hinata

 **conan gray song:** okay

 **EMOm:** and think

 **EMOm:** would you mind if he hugged you?

 **conan gray song:** uh

 **conan gray song:** if he did it'd be a bad hug

 **conan gray song:** he wouldn't be able to wrap his arms around my shoulders because of his height

 **EMOm:** but would you enjoy it?

 **conan gray song:** ...maybe i would, despite it being inadequate

 **uranus:** inadequate? that's a big word for you, tobio-chan

 **kitkat:** shut up oikawa

 **uranus:** >:(

 **kitkat:** let suga do his thing

 **EMOm:** thank u kenma

 **EMOm:** anyways kageyama

 **EMOm:** would you mind if he kissed you?

 **conan gray song:** i'd hate it

 **conan gray song:** i think

 **conan gray song:** but now that i think more about it, i'd like to be kissed by hinata?

 **conan gray song:** is this normal

 **akaashi keiji:** it's totally normal, kageyama

 **akaashi keiji:** there's no shame in having a crush

 **EMOm:** mhm! we all have crushes here

 **EMOm:** i think excluding shirabu and semi

 **uranus:** wherever they are

 **uranus:** but idc about them

 **uranus:** so tobio-chan's finally realized his feelings~

 **kitkat:** kageyama, do you need a bit of time to yourself? when i realized my feelings for kuro it was quite surprising

 **conan gray song:** no, i don't think so

 **conan gray song:** i'm just surprised

 **akaashi keiji:** i'm not surprised that it's hinata, he's very... hinata

 **uranus:** you two would be cute together!

 **EMOm:** oh woah he's actually being nice for once

 **uranus:** not as cute as me and iwa-chan though

 **EMOm:** i feel like i jinxed that

 **conan gray song:** but oikawa-san you and iwaizumi-san aren't dating

 **uranus:** what a bitch

 **EMOm:** he got it from you

 **uranus:** no comment

* * *

15:12 p.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**uranus:** so

 **EMOm:** if you're going to thirst for iwaizumi please do it in private

 **uranus:** fine >:(

 **yahaba shigeru:** [Image attached.]

 **EMOm:** omfg i'm actually dying kjdsalfjdksla

 **akaashi keiji:** seriously oikawa do you have some kind of arm kink

 **conan gray song:** oikawa-san you look like suga-san when he was staring at daichi's thighs

 **yahaba shigeru:** this was at a practice

 **yahaba shigeru:** if you want some i charge around 250 yen per photo

 **kitkat:** this is some shady black market shit

 **yahaba shigeru:** oikawa-senpai pays me to keep them private

 **akaashi keiji:** how much

 **yahaba shigeru:** 3000 yen monthly

 **kitkat:** jfc dude

 **EMOm:** not so #shameless anymore huh oikawa

 **uranus:** i hate all of you

 **conan gray song:** love you too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmfao thanks for reading
> 
> comments and kudos are vv appreciated!!


	2. tobioh my god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **uranus:** suck my fucking dongadoodle
> 
>  **EMOm:** he said the word fucking but not the word dick??
> 
>  **uranus:** why, would it have been better if i said piss whizzle?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a repost bc i accidentally posted it  
> i'm so professional laksjsjsks

12:06 a.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**conan gray song:** help

 **kitkat:** what is it?

 **conan gray song:** we're having a team sleepover at suga-san's house

 **conan gray song:** and so i went to get some milk

 **conan gray song:** but hinata is there in the kitchen

 **conan gray song:** and he's opening the last milk

 **conan gray song:** wait he's talking to me

* * *

Groggily, Kageyama made his way into the kitchen. His eyesight was fuzzy, body heavy, and his dark hair was a crow's nest that rivaled Kuroo's bedhead.

"Kageyama-kun?" a small and blurry blob in front of him asked quietly. It was roughly Hinata-shaped.

Kageyama rubbed his eyes.

Staring back at him was his newfound crush, in all of his short, orange-haired glory. Now that Kageyama knew that Hinata was his love object (Oikawa's words, not his) he saw him a little... differently, to say the least. Burning butterflies swarmed in his stomach whenever he caught a glance of him, or his stupid, traitorous mouth would quirk up at the corners when Hinata rambled about something irrelevant. He had many types of smiles, but this one was arguably the softest (and worst, in his opinion. These sorts of emotions were new to him).

And it didn't help that Hinata stood out so prominently already. He now shone even more; it almost hurt Kageyama's eyes.

Kageyama was picking up on small mannerisms that he hadn't noticed before, like how Hinata's nails were bitten down as far down as they could go, or how a secret dimple in his left cheek showed up whenever Hinata laughed particularly hard. It was stupid, because things that should've annoyed him grew to become charming. It made no sense.

"Anyways, why are you up at this time? It's like..." Hinata's little button nose crinkled. "Twelve in the morning."

"I came to get milk."

"Oh, Kageyama-kun, it's always him and his milk." Hinata quipped. "Can't you spare me some calcium?"

Kageyama gave him a deadpan look. "I'm surprised you know what calcium is."

"You wound me, Kageyama-kun."

Hinata had a fake look of hurt plastered on his face; his lips were pulled into a pout. Nevertheless, Kageyama could see his liquid brown eyes sparkle with mirth under thick eyelashes. 

"Are you going to drink it?" he asked, eyes fixed on the milk gripped by Hinata's stubby fingers.

Hinata's eyes followed his to the milk. "Yeah. Why, do you want it?"

"Boke," he said, though it lacked its usual snark and bite. It was almost fond. Almost. "I came here to get milk."

"You can't just expect me to know that!"

Kageyama didn't mention how Hinata was just talking about how it was "always him and his milk."

“I drink milk all the time, you should know by now.”

He pulled out his phone, beginning to text the chat about his dilemma.

"Who're you texting?" Hinata asked.

Kageyama looked up from his phone. "Nobody," he answered.

Hinata was clearly not convinced, but didn't say anthing. "I don't know why you're making such a big deal over milk. We could always run to the store in the morning." He cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy.

Kageyama was cranky already. Here he was, grouchy, fatigued, and even worse: milk-less. Hinata's stupidly cute face and tired lopsided grin only made him feel even worse. Or better. Kageyama didn't know.

"Stop looking like you just pissed your pants. We could just share it," Hinata said.

"I do not look like I just pissed my pants."

"Do too!" Hinata flattened his hair with his hands and pulled a face. "That's what you look like."

Kageyama wasn't sure if he wanted to punch Hinata in the gut or kiss his stupid face senseless.

"Anyways, we're sharing. I've decided for you."

"Fine." Kageyama was hardly listening. He just wanted his milk.

* * *

**kitkat:** what did he say?

 **conan gray song:** we just agreed to share it

 **EMOm:** omg your messages just woke me up

 **EMOm:** and kageyama that's an indirect kiss!!

* * *

Kageyama felt his soul leave his body.

* * *

**conan gray song:** oh

 **conan gray song:** i hadn't thought about that

 **uranus:** hah tobio-chan is an idiot

 **EMOm:** you're the idiot for bullying him while he's trying to talk to his crush

 **uranus:** you're also an idiot for being up at this ungodly hour

 **EMOm:** it was my Parental Instincts okay

 **kitkat:** ignore them and just talk to shouyou

* * *

Hinata passed him the milk while he was still in a daze.

"Drink it, you're the one who was pestering me for it!"

"I will, I will," Kageyama said, glaring at the skinny straw sticking out from the carton as if it killed his entire family. He reluctantly took a sip.

Kageyama knew that the milk wouldn't taste better just because Hinata drank some of it. He knew that Hinata didn't have to power to make milk magical by simply drinking it.

At least, his head knew. His heart didn't.

Just the smallest sip of Hinata's magical milk made his heart race and the swarm of butterflies in his stomach become a raging tornado. That's it. He was done. He handed it to Hinata, who took it and happily drank like it was nothing. 

Why was his stupid heart taking everything so seriously? It's just milk, he knew that, it's just Hinata, _he knew that,_ but he was still freaking out. 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid feelings!_

"Kageyama-kun, you can have the rest." Hinata pressed the milk into Kageyama's hands. His skin tingled when it came into contact with Hinata's.

Hinata left the kitchen, and once Kageyama heard faint snoring noises, he collapsed onto the floor.

(He never finished the milk.)

_Stupid, stupid, stupid Tobio._

* * *

**conan gray song:** i want to kms

 **kitkat:** oh, worm

 **EMOm:** what happened?

 **conan gray song:** i panicked. really hard

 **uranus:** ah he had a gay panic

 **EMOm:** the baby crow has left the nest

 **conan gray song:** are you really sure this is normal????

 **kitkat:** unfortunately

 **EMOm:** you're welcome to vent here

 **uranus:** i–

 **conan gray song:** i don't know what to say

 **conan gray song:** he's cute. and i want to run my fingers through his hair. and i want to hold his tiny hands and do weird couple stuff with him

 **conan gray song:** and it's stupid. all of it. he's stupidly cute

 **uranus:** tobioh my god

 **EMOm:** omfg kageyama you're so adorable

 **kitkat:** ^

 **uranus:** oH so when he rants about his feelings for chibi-chan it's considered innocent and adorable

 **uranus:** but when i do it, it's seen as being indecent and horny!!!

 **EMOm:** that's because you literally said that you'd "let iwa-chan destroy your anus"

 **EMOm:** kageyama's intentions are pure and yours aren't

 **kitkat:** ^^

 **uranus:** suck my fucking dongadoodle

 **EMOm:** he said the word fucking but not the word dick??

 **uranus:** why, would it have been better if i said piss whizzle?

 **conan gray song:** don't you have iwaizumi-san to do that for you already

 **uranus:** ok i do not know if you were rubbing in that i'm still single or actually being serious

 **uranus:** but nevertheless i'm taking that as an attack on my being

 **kitkat:** tbh i think everything kageyama says is an attack on your being

 **EMOm:** i honestly do not know but i hope he was joking about how you're still Single and Pining

 **uranus:** stfu and let me listen to old love songs and cry

 **EMOm:** if you want to cry more then listen to conan

 **uranus:** i will stick my middle finger up your asshole

 **EMOm:** i'll pass, thanks for the offer tho

 **kitkat:** and you say that the shiratorizawa setters have the greatest antagonism

* * *

16:37 p.m.

_pretty setters squad_

**uranus:** so it's about time i got back at yahaba for sending that atrocious picture of me in this chat

 **EMOm:** you look like that 25/8 don't even

 **akaashi keiji:** i haven't even met you irl and i know that's a fact

 **kitkat:** ^^

 **uranus:** okay firstly, you can all stfu

 **uranus:** i'm gonna tell them about The Wall Thing

 **uranus:** wait i just got an idea for a nickname gimme 2 seconds

 **uranus** has changed **yahaba shigeru** 's name to **yahablackmail**

 **kitkat:** not your best :/

 **uranus:** (i hate u pudding-chan) anyways

 **uranus:** during a game he literally pinned mad dog-chan up against a wall

 **uranus:** the tension was just hfjdjdkajdjds

 **yahablackmail:** senpai you're really failing at this

 **EMOm:** he's not wrong. this is a flop

 **yahablackmail:** you don't even have photos

 **uranus:** i should've had one of my fangirls take a photo of it

 **uranus:** i would have paid her

 **yahablackmail:** senpai i think we all know that you couldn't have paid her

 **uranus:** ok it's not my fault that your stupid monthly photo fees are expensive as hell

 **yahablackmail:** sorry, couldn't hear you over the sound of my boyfriend counting my yen

 **uranus:** i do not have enough middle fingers to express how much hatred i feel towards you

 **yahablackmail:** and yet i'm your favorite kouhai

 **uranus:** this is cyberbullying and i will not stand for it

 **conan gray song:** then sit

 **uranus:** yahaba you're running extra laps next practice

 **uranus:** and tobio-chan i'm calling daichi rn you're gonna be fucking grounded

 **yahablackmail:** you're just jealous that i actually have a boyfriend

 **uranus:** okay actually stfu

 **uranus:** you probably got him to be your boyfriend by blackmailing him

 **yahablackmail:** yeah i did

 **yahablackmail:** hanamaki and matsukawa helped me

 **uranus:** wait wtf

 **uranus:** when i asked them for help w iwa-chan they just flipped me off and left

 **yahablackmail:** maybe it's bc you're a bitch

 **conan gray song:** i personally wouldn't help you either

 **uranus:** okay @god why are all my kouhais ganging up on me

 **kitkat:** this entire exchange i'm dead

 **akaashi keiji:** i'm just over here enjoying oikawa get cyberbullied by his own kouhais

 **shirabitch:** wow oikawa's kouhais are such bitches towards him

 **(se)micropenis:** don’t act like you aren’t a bitch to me

 **EMOm:** shirabu,, they only learn from the best

 **uranus:** idk if i should take that as a compliment or as an insult

 **EMOm:** it's an insult

 **uranus:** thanks everyone i really feel the love

 **conan gray song:** we'll give you more of it then

 **uranus:** next time i see any of you i am immediately throwing hands

 **uranus:** you've been fucking warned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take a shot whenever i use the word stupid in this chapter
> 
> my writing bone broke when i started writing the little cuts i cry
> 
> okay i'm just gonna be straightforward. i'd kill for comments and kudos bc i'm a hoe who wants validation. so please leave some :')


	3. s.i.m.p.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **uranus:** so i've been on disney+
> 
>  **EMOm:** if you wrote phineas and ferb erotica i will invert your ribcage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so so sorry for the phineas and ferb brain dump instead of an actual chapter but i needed to get something updated jdkfjsgsfhsjf
> 
> this chapter is not my best bc i’ve been working on something else and it has my brain fried

7:02 a.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**conan gray song:** so i did some math for fun

 **uranus:** wow tobio-chan you can do math??

 **EMOm:** oikawa one more word and i will punt your flat ass directly to heaven's front door

 **conan gray song:** i wanted to see how much yen yahaba really gets from oikawa

 **conan gray song:** it's 3000 a month

 **conan gray song:** so if you multiply that by 12 then you get 36000 yen yearly

 **conan gray song:** and yahaba told me that he started doing his whole blackmail thing around the middle of his first year

 **conan gray song:** so in total he's gotten around 54000 yen from oikawa-san

 **conan gray song:** and then there's extra earnings as well from selling individual photos

 **conan gray song:** he says that he's sold 57 individual photos

 **conan gray song:** it was 250 yen each, multiply that by 57 and you get 14250 yen

 **conan gray song:** and so yahaba has earned 68250 yen overall

 **uranus:** i could buy a boyfriend with that money holy shit

 **kitkat:** it's concerning that you have to resort to buying a boyfriend instead of winning someone over with your looks and personality

 **kitkat:** even more proof that you're an ugly asshole

 **EMOm:** go off kenma,, i never knew that you could be so brutal

 **akaashi keiji:** i knew

 **EMOm:** ominous

 **(se)micropenis:** you could say it's... (mom)inous

 **uranus:** you've been hanging out with ushiwaka too much

 **uranus:** and he's been on the captain chat too much

 **kitkat:** so has kuro

 **akaashi keiji:** so has bokuto-san

 **(se)micropenis:** we're on the same team?? i have to hang out him???

 **shirabitch:** semi-san is right in a way

 **shirabitch:** also everyone in shiratorizawa has a newfound love of portmanteaus because of him

 **(se)micropenis:** shirabu agreed with me am i dreaming

 **shirabitch:** i will agree with you only once so stfu

 **uranus:** ok wtf is a portmanteau

 **shirabitch:** a word that blends the sounds and definitions of two others. a popular example would be brunch.

 **shirabitch:** but semi-san's pun was not a true portmanteau because 'mominous' has no true definition. it doesn't blend the definitions of 'mom' and 'ominous'

 **uranus:** why did the chat have to get so intellectual today

 **uranus:** my mind hurts

 **conan gray song:** mine doesn't

 **uranus:** you don't have a brain, tobio-chan. that's why

 **kitkat:** suga is going to kill you, you know that right??

 **uranus:** #shameless

 **EMOm:** oikawa we've already revoked your rights to that hashtag

 **uranus:** do i look like the type of person who'd listen to you guys

* * *

14:36 p.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**uranus:** after that entire intellectual conversation my mind has been fried and i mentally cannot stomach anything other than american children's shows

 **uranus:** so i've been on disney+

 **EMOm:** if you wrote phineas and ferb erotica i will invert your ribcage

 **uranus:** ok first of all i did not

 **kitkat:** press x to doubt

 **uranus:** i'm going to ignore that

 **uranus:** but i will not ignore the fact that two squirrels got into candace's PANTS trying to look for a NUT

 **uranus:** and the song the two dudes at the park sang was called s.i.m.p. (squirrels in my pants)

 **uranus:** fuckin predicted the future

 **uranus:** also the song is a bop even tho i don't understand english and i had to watch with subtitles

 **conan gray song:** if oikawa-san was a phineas and ferb song then he'd be fabulous

 **yahablackmail:** you're not wrong

 **yahablackmail:** except nobody would sing it to him unless they just wanted to inflate his ego, which, mind you, is bigger than the sun

 **uranus:** i'm ignoring everything in that message except the space reference

 **uranus:** which sucked btw bc there's plenty of celestial bodies bigger than the sun

 **yahablackmail:** you realize you're telling me to say you have a bigger ego than what i said

 **uranus:** suddenly i'm jared, 19

 **kitkat:** hot take: heinz doofenshmirtz is the best cartoon dad ever

 **akaashi keiji:** how is that a hot take in any way

 **akaashi keiji:** it's just facts

 **EMOm:** tanaka and noya can recite his entire backstory from start to finish from memory

 **shirabitch:** chronological order?

 **EMOm:** yep

 **EMOm:** they also act it out like,, when they get to the whole balloony part noya pretends to be balloony and tanaka stands in his gnome costume full-on sobbing

 **conan gray song:** we had to sit through it at the sleepover

 **(se)micropenis:** tendou performed love händel's 'you snuck your way right into my heart' for ushijima on their anniversary in the gym

 **shirabitch:** he even had goshiki say "don't just stand there. kiss him!" into a megaphone afterwards

 **uranus:** that's fucking disgusting and i need it now

 **uranus:** i can't believe ushiwaka of all people gets to be spoiled by his bf like this

 **(se)micropenis:** also once after a game ushijima turned to tendou and said "gitchee gitchee goo" and tendou literally burst into tears

 **uranus:** i want that wtf

 **kitkat:** damn i never knew that phineas and ferb was such a Thing

 **akaashi keiji:** let's get real here

 **akaashi keiji:** favorite songs??

 **shirabitch:** somebody give me a grade by the baljeatles

 **shirabitch:** it's so fucking underrated i don't understand

 **(se)micropenis:** e.v.i.l. b.o.y.s. by candace

 **kitkat:** tbh anything candace sings is a bop

 **uranus:** call me basic but ain't got rhythm

 **EMOm:** hah basic

 **uranus:** okay shut your mouth

 **EMOm:** you literally said "call me basic" i have done no wrong

 **kitkat:** not a favorite but the whole welcome to tokyo thing scared me

 **kitkat:** as someone living in tokyo i really don't know whether to say that it was accurate or inaccurate

 **EMOm:** as someone who's been to tokyo i don't know if i was the phineas or candace after the trip

 **EMOm:** i can safely say that kageyama was phineas,, he was all "wow tokyo is such a fun place!!" with hinata, tanaka, and noya afterwards

 **EMOm:** daichi was definitely candace. he just turned to me and said “i don’t even know what just happened.”

 **conan gray song:** didn't tanaka and noya do the weird dance thing during the ride to tokyo?

 **EMOm:** unfortunately

 **(se)micropenis:** also something to note is that ferb spoke stiff japanese and then stacy's relative just yells in perfect english

 **uranus:** another thing to note is that ferb and vanessa are like the only heteros that deserve rights

 **kitkat:** it's them and isabella and phineas

 **akaashi keiji:** and candace and jeremy

 **EMOm:** we can all agree that the heteros in phineas and ferb deserve rights

 **EMOm:** but imo candace and jeremy are the cutest

 **akaashi keiji:** ^^

 **kitkat:** ^

 **EMOm:** like there was the episode where she wanted jeremy to give her a nickname

 **EMOm:** but he didn’t give her one bc he liked her name as it was

 **EMOm:** it’s disgustingly sappy but you can’t say you don’t want that

 **uranus:** hAH if only iwa-chan stopped calling me those horrid nicknames

 **conan gray song:** i personally think they suit you oikawa-san

 **uranus:** one way! or another! i always end up getting fucking bullied on this gc even though i’M the one who made it !!!

 **yahablackmail:** you’re just so easy to bully

 **shirabitch:** maybe we could stop bullying him and just start telling him about all the sappy shit tendou and ushijima do for each other

 **EMOm:** maybe all of the pining idiots (including myself) could get our shit together and then brag to oikawa about our flourishing relationships

 **kitkat:** wait that’s actually a solid idea holy crap

 **akaashi keiji:** i’m down,,, but the confession part scares me

 **EMOm:** we’re all in this together

 **uranus:** hAh that’s from high school musical

 **uranus:** i’m also offended

 **conan gray song:** if it offends oikawa-san than i’ll be part of it too

 **uranus:** this is homophobia and discrimination and i just feel so attacked rn

 **uranus:** at least i have phineas and ferb to comfort me in these dark times

 **uranus:** lol bye hoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oikawa is me. i am oikawa. my brain is fried and i'm binging phineas and ferb even though i have schoolwork to do and another fic to write
> 
> i've also been watching 90 day fiancé and honestly it's a slap in the face as to what love irl is like sometimes,, sometimes i have to remind myself that not everyone can be as beautifully compatible and truly in love as my ships are skjldhfdjlafgdgh


	4. title drop yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first confession, featuring: the captain chat, bokuto’s lack of patience, and oikawa knowing all the shit about to go down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i'm aliveeeeeeeeee i promise i'm just working on like two other wips bc i hate myself. i’m such an idiot, or, in the words of lev, i’m just a big fat gay crisis
> 
> i’m really excited to be writing them and i’m oddly passionate about their concepts, so uhh hopefully i can get those out soon

2:24 a.m.

_no cap(tain)_

**(himbo)kuto:** hey hey hey!! guyusysuayuaysua!!!!!!

 **alien sugar baby:** himbo-kun it's 2am what do you want

 **uncle tetsu:** this happens almost daily

 **uncle tetsu:** you should know what it's about by now

 **alien sugar baby:** gay panic?

 **uncle tetsu:** ...it's a gay panic

 **alien sugar baby:** jfc i can't believe i have to deal with two people having these in the span of 24 hours

 **alien sugar baby:** on monday it's tobio-chan and his crush on chibi-chan

 **alien sugar baby:** and next it's himbo-kun

 **uncle tetsu:** sucks to be you :p

 **alien sugar baby:** i'm not even gonna argue bc it does suck to be me

 **alien sugar baby:** constantly bullied :'(

 **(himbo)kuto:** you don't deserve to be bullied oikawa!!! i personally think you're great!!

 **(himbo)kuto:** not as great as my akaashi but still great!!!! so please help me!!

 **alien sugar baby:** that's the first compliment i've gotten in like, a year

 **alien sugar baby:** and i personally like you so i'll help

 **uncle tetsu:** bro, you already know that i'd die for you so ofc i'll help <3

 **(himbo)kuto:** omg bro <3

 **(himbo)kuto:** so it's about akaashi, loml

 **(himbo)kuto:** i have a sudden urge to ask him out

 **(himbo)kuto:** but idk howwwwwwwww

 **alien sugar baby:** hmmm

 **uncle tetsu:** bo, my bro,

 **uncle tetsu:** have you ever thought about puns and pickup lines??

 **(himbo)kuto:** omg i never thought!!! kuroo you're a genus!!!

 **uncle tetsu:** i'm a genus of the highest standing

 **#1 dad mug:** i have nothing to say except GO TO SLEEP

 **ferb:** I agree with Sawamura. It's unhealthy to not get lots of sleep.

 **alien sugar baby:** you're both up so you're both hypocrites!!

 **ferb:** The notifications woke me up.

 **#1 dad mug:** parental instincts

 **#1 dad mug:** noya and tanaka are usually doing /something/ on the karasuno chat at this time

 **alien sugar baby:** ,,what is this,,,, am i having,, deja vu,

* * *

7:01 a.m.

_no cap(tain)_

**(himbo)kuto:** now that it's a "reasonable hour" to text i officially need your help

 **uncle tetsu:** alr bo let's get you a man

 **(himbo)kuto:** i want to use an owl pun bc akaashi loves owls!!

 **alien sugar baby:** that's adorable i love it

 **(himbo)kuto:** but idk which one to use!!! they're all so good!!!!!!

 **uncle tetsu:** list em off, lover boy

 **(himbo)kuto:** i've narrowed my search down to three that i really liked!!

 **(himbo)kuto:** i'll owl-ways love you, you're my s-owl-mate, i think you're a hoot

 **alien sugar baby:** i like "i think you're a hoot"

 **alien sugar baby:** it's very cute

 **uncle tetsu:** what the twink said ^

 **alien sugar baby:** fuck u

 **uncle tetsu:** sorry, you’re not my type

 **alien sugar baby:** then why tf don’t you go ask out the one person who /is/ your type??

 **uncle tetsu:** you’re acting like you’re not in the same situation

 **alien sugar baby:** i do not deny

 **alien sugar baby:** smh what i hate about this friendship is that we’re so alike but i want to gut you immediately whenever i see your face

 **uncle tetsu:** platonic perfection

 **ferb:** I’d like to contribute.

 **ferb:** Why not ask him out using a volleyball pun?

 **alien sugar baby:** oh my lord

 **alien sugar baby:** ofc ushiwaka of all people would say that

 **uncle tetsu:** don’t act like you wouldn’t

 **alien sugar baby:** shut the fuck upppppp

 **ferb:** Satori suggests “you set my world on fire”

 **uncle tetsu:** holy shit that’s actually genius

 **(himbo)kuto:** yesyeysyeyseysyesyesyes!!!!! holy fuck akaashi’s going to love that!!

 **(himbo)kuto:** I’M USING BOTH

 **uncle tetsu:** fuck yeah, bo, go get him!!! sweep that setter off his feet

 **(himbo)kuto:** thanks bro!!!

 **alien sugar baby:** go woo his fuckin brains out, himbo-kun!!

 **alien sugar baby:** also where the fuck is daichi he needs to wish him luck

 **uncle tetsu:** sawamura’s probably doing some dad thigh

 **uncle tetsu:** **thing

 **uncle tetsu:** eh it’s interchangeable

* * *

7:07 a.m.

 _PM between **(himbo)kuto**_ _and **akaashi keiji**_

 **(himbo)kuto:** hey hey hey akaashi!!!

 **akaashi keiji:** yes, bokuto-san?

 **(himbo)kuto:** i think you’re a hoot!!

 **(himbo)kuto:** and you set my world on fire!!!

 **(himbo)kuto:** so akaashi, will you be my boyfriend?

 **akaashi keiji:** oh my lord

 **akaashi keiji:** yes yes a million times yes

 **(himbo)kuto:** really!!! akaashi i’ll be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had!!!!

 **akaashi keiji:** koutarou, you’re the only boyfriend i’ve ever had.

 **(himbo)kuto:** and i’ll make sure it stays that way, keiji!! forever!!! <3

 **akaashi keiji:** of course, forever. <3

* * *

7:12 a.m.

_pretty setter squad_

**akaashi keiji:** okay so

 **akaashi keiji:** me and koutarou are dating now

 **kitkat:** shit congrats

 **kitkat:** i’m glad you’re happy

 **kitkat:** given names, i see?

 **akaashi keiji:** it’s a blur

 **uranus:** tf are you talking about “it’s a blur” like just check your messages

 **akaashi keiji:** first of all, let me have a moment

 **akaashi keiji:** second of all, how do you know he asked me out over text

 **uranus:** i’m both a pretty setter and a bangin hot captain

 **kitkat:** not sure about the “pretty” part or the “bangin hot” part but ok

 **uranus:** ugh anyways

 **uranus:** i’m on both chats which makes me a god among men

 **uranus:** although what is said on both chats is said to me in /confidence/ so i keep everything seperate :)

 **EMOm:** please don’t glorify yourself

 **EMOm:** you’re literally the personification of a plastic straw stuck up a turtle’s nostril

 **uranus:** uh rude

 **conan gray song:** where’s the lie

 **yahablackmail:** straws have curves

 **yahablackmail:** oikawa-san does not

 **conan gray song:** ooooh okay okay

 **uranus:** suddenly i’m jared, 19

 **uranus:** anyways since i’m such a nice person i’m going to congratulate akaashi on his getting a boyfriend

 **uranus:** congratulations you’ve given me one (1) more reason to envy you

 **akaashi keiji:** thanks :)

* * *

7:15 a.m.

_no cap(tain)_

**alien sugar baby:** so,,, himbo-kun,

 **alien sugar baby:** a little owl told me that you and a certain pretty setter are dating?

 **uncle tetsu:** yep

 **uncle tetsu:** bo’s probably not gonna respond

 **uncle tetsu:** he’s too shocked

 **alien sugar baby:** hm

 **uncle tetsu:** he totally will talk about akaashi when he gets out of this,,, state

 **alien sugar baby:** yeah that makes sense

 **alien sugar baby:** himbo-kun is a lot, huh?

 **uncle tetsu:** in all the best ways

 **uncle tetsu:** i’m really happy that he has akaashi now

 **alien sugar baby:** akaashi does have a lot on his hands

 **uncle tetsu:** eh, it’s what he signed up for

 **ferb:** I send my congratulations to Bokuto.

 **#1 dad mug:** i don’t even know what just happened

 **#1 dad mug:** bokuto and akaashi are together now?

 **#1 dad mug:** i’m happy for them

 **#1 dad mug:** but i just had to stop tanaka and noya from snorting gfuel powder, so i’m not as happy as i should be

 **uncle tetsu:** holy shit

 **uncle tetsu:** what flavor

 **#1 dad mug:** i think sour cherry? they stole it from hinata who apparently got it from kenma

 **uncle tetsu:** ah that makes sense

 **uncle tetsu:** if kenma consumes anything it’s either apple pie or gfuel

 **alien sugar baby:** snorting though? it’s already bad to eat it in powder form

 **#1 dad mug:** it’s tanaka and noya. i don’t know what to tell you.

 **alien sugar baby:** daichi,, you truly are the best of us

 **alien sugar baby:** if i have to deal with tobio-chan for one second then i’d kms

 **alien sugar baby:** and on top of that you have... the rest of your team... i think i’d die

 **#1 dad mug:** bold of you to assume i’m still alive

 **#1 dad mug:** i gotta go back to babysitting. hopefully bokuto gets back to normal soon.

 **uncle tetsu:** f in the chat for the entire captain chat today

 **alien sugar baby:** f

 **uncle tetsu:** f

 **#1 dad mug:** f

 **ferb:** lol it’s tendou

 **ferb:** toshi had to ask me what “f” meant

 **ferb:** so i’m sending it for him. f

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title drop title drop title drop title drop title dr—
> 
> does anyone have any good sakuatsu or ushiten fic recs bc i am famished  
> also i took a quiz to find out my hq kinnie and i got atsumu 😔 where’s the lie tho  
> take it [here](https://uquiz.com/quiz/SLCRqj?p=302880)


	5. i hate to do this, but:

uh hi! i really hate to do this, but i'll be orphaning this fic. as you can tell, this fic has been on hiatus for a very long time. i plan on writing lots more, but this'll be the end of this fic. thanks for the support and lovely comments!! they really made my day.

catch me on tumblr if you want! i'm [pyroseate](http://pyroseate.tumblr.com/) on tumblr (say hi if you want to), and will stay as pyroseate on ao3! if you want to look out for some more serious stuff! like. if i ever get around to finishing it, haha

thanks again! cya <3


End file.
